Clinical Psychologist Kliniese Sielkundige

What is the source of my strength?

In my experience as a clinical psychologist, I’ve noticed that many scholars and students struggle with low self-confidence. This often stems from environments that lack the consistency, predictability, and positive mirroring necessary for healthy self-esteem. Ideally, relationships—especially during school years—could provide this kind of support, but too often they don’t. Peer dynamics can be competitive, and judgment and rejection are frequent, leaving many individuals feeling inadequate. In response to these feelings, some may withdraw socially, become anxious, or conform to peer pressure by engaging in behaviors they don’t truly approve of—such as drinking, smoking, or watching pornography—hoping to fit in, only to discover that these choices lead to deeper dissatisfaction.

The Importance of Consistency and Predictability

To build self-esteem, it’s essential to cultivate environments that offer consistency and predictability. These elements create a sense of safety and control, which are vital for personal growth. One effective way to achieve this is through regular routines, such as going to the gym. The gym provides a stable environment where you can set goals, plan your workouts, and track your progress. This predictability allows you to focus on your own development, leading to a sense of accomplishment and reinforcing your self-worth.

Creating Positive Mirroring

In addition to consistency and predictability, positive mirroring plays a crucial role in self-esteem. Positive mirroring involves receiving affirmations and feedback that help us see ourselves in a more favorable light. While external validation can be fleeting, you can actively create your own positive mirroring by acknowledging your efforts and celebrating your achievements, no matter how small. For instance, as you progress in your fitness journey, take time to recognize the hard work you’ve put in and the improvements you’ve made. This self-acknowledgment is key to fostering a positive self-image.

Aligning with Your Values

However, it’s crucial not to build self-confidence solely on physical appearance or external validation. Our bodies inevitably change over time, and certain aspects—such as height and specific features—are determined by our genes and cannot be altered. True confidence should be rooted in more enduring aspects of our identity. As Socrates famously said, “Know thyself.” Take time to reflect on your values: What qualities do you want to cultivate in yourself? What do you want to be remembered for? By aligning your actions with your values, you create a strong foundation for self-esteem.

Understanding what is important to you allows you to define actionable steps toward your goals, whether they involve cultivating meaningful friendships, achieving financial success, or pursuing personal growth. Track your own development, as others may not always recognize or provide positive feedback. Just like the mirror in the gym doesn’t offer verbal encouragement, you need to take responsibility for your journey.

As Ralph Waldo Emerson wisely said, “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” By building self-confidence through consistency, predictability, and positive mirroring—across physical, emotional, intellectual, and relational dimensions—you create a balanced, resilient sense of self. This type of confidence isn’t dependent on external validation or vulnerable to the fluctuations of any single area of life. Instead, it’s rooted in who you are and what you value, providing a foundation that can sustain you through life’s challenges.

Feeling involves the capacity to appreciate or attach value to experiences, emotions, or situations. Feeling is an exquisite part of a person’s equipment and brings warmth, gentleness, relatedness, and perception.

Mood on the contrary can be described as something that overwhelms or takes control of a person. It prohibits true feeling and thus for relationships and creativity.

A person consumed by a mood is like a compass spinning aimlessly in a magnetic storm, giving unreliable directions.

If we fall under the spell of a mood we lose our capacity for relationship.

(Inspired by Robert A Johnson from his book ‘HE’)